Isabela, Luisa, Mirabel — the young women of the Familia Madrigal. They are the protagonists of the 2021 Disney film, “Encanto,” which told the story of a Colombian family with magical gifts and their struggles with toxic family dynamics. Their story turned out to be the same untold narrative of many Filipino families who are confining children in glass walls of toxic perfectionism and the image of what ought to be.
“Encanto” kicked off conversations online from viewers across various ethnicities and cultures about the toxic family dynamics portrayed in the film hit too close to home. The Isabelas, Luisas, and Mirabels of the world spoke up about their experiences and how these shaped them as adults.
Many Filipinos also joined the dialogues, proving that these traits are also present in Filipino families despite the cultural differences between Colombia and our country. These conversations opened the doors to let us into the stories tucked deep within their homes.
How far do these roots go down?
Extreme perfectionism seemed to be deeply rooted in a Filipino family’s culture and their attitude towards success and failure. “’Yung pamilya [ng nanay ko] sobrang over-achiever,” 2nd-year college student Irene* said, explaining that the achievements of family members are often talked about and are a big deal for her extended family. This pressured her to always aim for perfection, especially in her academic life.
Since she was young, Irene worked hard to excel in her studies but when she does get academic recognition, her mother’s words of pride begin and end on social media. “Sasabihan ka ng ‘Congratulations, we’re proud of you’ sa social media lang pero in real life ‘di ka talaga ipe-praise,” Irene shared.
On the other hand, 19-year-old Andrea Acosta who also experiences academic pressure shared, “Kapag honor [student], puring-puri ng [extended] family namin… [kaya] sabi ko, ‘Ay, dapat gano’n din kami’ kasi ayaw naman namin na ma-set aside.” She said that she and her siblings do their best in school to be like their other academically excellent cousins.
Like many viewers who fell prey to the perfectionism of their family, Andrea recalled how much she related with Isabela’s character, the eldest daughter of the three who was not allowed to be anything but perfect. She expressed that like Isabela, she’s “trying to be perfect para lang sa family.”
Who am I if I can’t carry it all?
The perfect image that some parents demand their children to maintain has become a burden that hurts their children as they grow older. “Laging gusto ng mom ko na pinapakita niya [’yung] maganda, [na] magaling [kami],” shared Irene.
As a consequence, Irene began to feel shame whenever she falls short of her family’s expectations. “Hindi ko talaga kaya,” she explained that no matter how hard she tried to be easy on herself in terms of academics, it never worked.
On the other hand, Andrea carried the burden of following in his brother’s footsteps who excelled in academics and sports. Andrea was pressured to join the same competitions her brother participated in, and to excel in the same way that he did. “‘Pag hindi ako naging kagaya ng kuya ko… parang hindi na ’ko belong,” she uttered.
Andrea opened up about her mindset on extracurricular competitions in elementary and high school. While everyone else simply had fun with those activities, she failed to find enjoyment in them because she took the competitions seriously. “‘Pag hindi ako nanalo, makukumpara ako kay kuya,” — such thoughts plagued her mind.
Both Irene and Andrea silently carried their burdens silently like Luisa, the Madrigal granddaughter who was expected to be the pillar of the family and to push through without any complaints. Irene said that she related with the character because like Luisa, she keeps everything in, scared of being labeled as ungrateful after all her parents have provided for her.
Am I too late for a miracle?
However, despite the effort and hard work that the children put into meeting their family’s expectations, sometimes, it’s never enough. Andrea stated, “Napapansin lang ako kapag may mali akong nagawa.” Although she always tried her best, her mother never seemed to pay attention to her efforts.
Because of this, Andrea empathized with Mirabel, the youngest of the three sisters who failed to receive a gift and was since shunned by the rest of the family who was blessed with magical powers. Although she has worked hard to compensate for the shortcomings she may have, she remained in the shadows of her older brother. “I’m trying to be perfect para sa kanila pero hindi ako napapansin,” she lamented.
If it wasn’t for the pressure, Andrea imagined how much of her life she could have shared with her parents, “’Yung pangarap ko na maging doctor someday, makatulong sa nangangailangan…” If the walls of the casita did not suffocate her, she shared that she would have been the type of daughter who wore her heart on her sleeves but alas, that wasn’t the case.
Mirabel’s character also left a huge impact on Irene who confessed how she cried while watching the confrontation between Mirabel and her Abuela who has been imposing the perfect image the family must adhere to. Mirabel’s line, “We’ll never be enough for you,” addressed to her grandmother left Irene in tears because of how much the line resonated with her story.
Toxic perfectionism wounds children in ways worse than one might think. Clinical psychologist Simon Sherry told Forbes, “We found that demanding, hyper-critical parents raise perfectionistic kids.” He added, “In particular, hyper-critical, demanding, and controlling parents raise self-critical, demanding, and perfectionistic kids who feel other people are disappointed in them.”
Open your eyes, what do you see?
Andrea opened up when asked about the future, “Hindi na ako magwi-wish na darating ’yung day na maging open pa kami sa isa’t isa.” Although she admitted that having a conversation about their family dynamics and her feelings as the daughter is quite difficult, she remains hopeful that her relationship with her family would at least get better.
She also wished that her parents would recognize that financial and material support are not the only things she needs from their parents. With physical touch and affection being her love language, Andrea shared, “Gusto ko nang nakakarinig ng ‘I love you,’ gusto kong nakakaramdam ng yakap.”
On the other hand, Irene stated, “It’s too late na to fix something.” Because of how severe her family’s perfectionism affected her to the point where it has become embedded in who she is as a person, she does not feel like her family would be able to undo the damage they have caused to one another.
However, it may not be too late for some people. Irene urged, “The best thing you can do is open up,” she advised young people experiencing the same thing. Although she felt regretful about not being able to do so earlier, she believed that this may be the course of action for those who still got a chance. “Hindi mo pwedeng kinikimkim lang lagi ’yan.”
Unlike the film “Encanto” where the conflict was solved in two hours, the real-life Isabelas, Luisas, and Mirabels are still threading through a continuous journey in a turbulent path. When the credits rolled and the fictional happy ending started fading, nothing was left but uncertainty.
Irene, Andrea, and maybe even some of the faces you see every day — they are people with a wounded child inside of them. They are the protagonists of their own stories which they tuck away like secrets, silently waiting on a miracle that one day, they’ll be loved for who they are and who they want to be.
*Editor’s Note: Real names are hidden behind pseudonyms.
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